ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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