I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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