: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
