glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
