I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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