Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
