I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
