So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
