So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
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There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
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Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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