You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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