I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
