We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
