Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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