You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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