so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
