it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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