i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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