i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
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