I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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