My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
