dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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