My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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