I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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