He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
