she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
