Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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