He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
