My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
