My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
