Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
