I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
