apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
