I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
