He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
