Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We need to get me chipped asap
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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