I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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