I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.