apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
