Need sex. Gaining weight.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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