Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
