i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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