Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize