Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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