U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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