i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.