So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
