Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
