plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
