My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
