WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
