If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
