I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
