your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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