We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
