I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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